When we marry, we do it in front of friends and family with vows that state our intention to be joined for life. When a marriage fails, we may wonder who among the community around us needs to know. When and how do you tell friends about your divorce? And who needs to know?
As you consider how to tell your friends about your divorce, consider that your friendships have different depths. You’ll want some close friends to know soon, if not immediately. These will be your closest friends, the ones you’ll depend on in the days ahead. Other casual friends and acquaintances may not need an immediate announcement. You might wait for it to “come up” or let some find out through your social network.
Prepare Emotionally to Discuss Divorce
Getting a divorce can be an emotional rollercoaster. You should consider what you want to say about your separation and divorce and repeat it out loud to yourself multiple times so you keep your emotions under control when you discuss the topic with your friends and close family. Divorce is sad, and there’s no escaping that. When you tell friends about your divorce, you want to be honest, brief, and in control.
What To Share and What to Keep Private
If yours is an amicable divorce, you and your spouse may be able to agree on what information to include in a divorce announcement and with whom you will share it. You may want to talk to mutual friends together, or you might decide which one of you should talk to certain close friends.
If possible, frame the divorce as a joint decision that is best for both of you. If you have children at home, emphasize that you’re still a family and remain friends. It will be better for your children if you can remain friendly and your children don’t feel caught in the middle of their parents’ problems.
As you tell friends that you are divorcing, let them know that you are working on telling people who should know about it and ask them not to share the news ahead of you. Depending on connections, you might name people in a social circle who do know. This will provide an outlet for those who just have to talk to someone about it. Meanwhile, expect that anyone you tell will tell their spouse. Consider it one less person on your list.
You may have a best friend who already knows that things have not been going well in your personal life. You’ll probably share more details with them and know that they’ll keep your confidence. For most casual friends, there’s no need to share details. You should feel free to tell them, “I’m not going to go into that.”
Share with a close friend what you are going through personally if it will help you, but it will always be better in the long run if you do not talk badly about your spouse. You also should stop friends from bashing your ex.
Don’t discuss the legal or financial aspects of your divorce with friends. Keep that information private. Let friends who feel compelled to give unsolicited advice about a divorce see how unenthusiastic you are about hearing it.
Inform Your Child’s School Teachers of a Divorce
If your children are in grade school, you should inform their teachers and principal about your divorce. If things are going smoothly, you can do it in writing through whatever channel you typically use to communicate. Tell your child’s teacher you would appreciate hearing about any changes in your child’s behavior that may be connected to your divorce. Ensure your child understands it is OK to talk to their teacher about the divorce.
If your child is already having a tough time, you should meet with the teacher to discuss. It would be better if both parents attended this meeting.
Ask children in high school whether they or you should let their teachers know about the divorce. Unless an older child is particularly upset about your divorce, they can probably handle letting their teachers know if they’d prefer to. Emphasize to them that their teachers need to know. Follow up in writing to let your child’s homeroom teacher or other favored teacher(s) or coach(es) know you would appreciate hearing from them if your child begins to have problems that may be connected to your divorce.
Let the school know who will be the primary custodial parent and ensure they have up-to-date contact information for both parents.
Prepare for Reactions to News of Your Divorce
News of your divorce will likely be hard on some of your friends. This is especially true if they are close to both of you and if they didn’t realize you were having problems. Let them process the news. Give them a minute to be angry and upset.
Assure them that you’re unhappy about the situation, too, but it’s beyond fixing. They’ll come around and realize that what they’re feeling is sadness for you.
If the reaction goes the other way, and they tell you they never liked your spouse, stop them. Tell them you don’t want to hear any of that — even if you do. It’s just not helpful.
Unfortunately, you can expect mutual friendships to change in a divorce. Friends that were mostly his or hers will likely drift away from you. Others may become closer to you. Very few divorced couples carry on without changes to their social circles. But awkwardness will end with time.
Contact Our Raleigh, NC, Divorce Attorneys
If you are ready to file for divorce, an experienced Raleigh divorce attorney is available to answer your questions and guide you through the legal steps in North Carolina’s divorce process. At Charles R. Ullman & Associates in Raleigh, N.C., we can advise you about the steps to take before you initiate a divorce to ensure you have the necessary documents, are planning for changes in your financial situation, and considering child custody arrangements.
Reach out to us today to arrange a confidential consultation at our offices in the historic Wyatt House in the heart of downtown Raleigh. We proudly serve clients across Wake County.
